Hermind

Yesterday I spoke out about being a cancer survivor. This was the first time I had ever spoke out on my experiences before. There was a local Relay For Life and I volunteered to speak out at the closing rally before the last part of the marathon. It was an emotional experience, but a good one. As I looked out into the crowd and saw the people who lost friends and family members, were there in support of sick or surviving family members and friends, and those who were just down for the cause, I realized for the first time that this is something that is much bigger than me. I am a part of something much bigger than myself; I think I spent so much time reflecting and not really opening up about my experiences and the battle that I didn’t realize how speaking out could help others. After it was over and I stayed around to mingle, I met so many people who came up to me and just said Thank You. This was truly the most difficult struggle I have ever had in my life; it changed me physically and mentally. There were times when I wanted to just try and forget it, but that is impossible. Some of the effects of having cancer will always be with me regardless of if I remain in remission or not, but I now know that listening to others and speaking out about it can help me to put things into perspective, help others, grow and move on.

Today while at the mall, a white lady pulled me aside in a store and asked for my opinion on some clothes for a little boy. She was an older lady (at least 60) ; she told me that she was buying a gift for a little boy that she knew. She had picked out some jeans for that looked like they were for a young boy no older than age 6. I told her they would probably be nice and he would like them and then she leaned in closer to me and whispered, ” do you really think he will like them in this style; he is a Black boy?” I looked at her for a second, then smiled and replied “yes I think any boy would like these”. Then she asked me to help her pick a shirt to go with them, and I helped her pick out a nice simple Blue Polo. Even though she whispered her comment very low, what she said seemed to come across really loud in my mind. It is situations like this that make me wonder if people “mean any harm” when they make comments like this. Does it make that much of a difference if he is Black, White or purple? Most kids that young do not pick out there own clothes anyway. Were their any underlying implications to what she was saying, or was she just a harmless old white lady trying to extend a nice gesture to a little boy? When it was all over, she thanked me, smiled and said “I just love that little boy; I will take these to him today and maybe his mom will let him wear them to school soon.”

What the hell happened to real music? I haven’t been a hip hop (or at least mainstream) fan for the last 5-8 years or so and now I know exactly why. I was out with a friend yesterday on a roadtrip and we listened to his music the entire way. Our drive was only a couple of hours but going around from place to place and then coming back this morning made the in-car time at least about 5-6 hours. Everything that came on the radio sucked!!! We listened to the radio while talking for the first hour and I couldn’t take it anymore. All of the “Texas/Dallas” songs had the same beat and they were all about women, no…. hoes, sex and some stupid dances. Then we hooked up his Ipod and it got worse…. It got so bad to the point where I could actually predict some of the words ahead of time. He put Niki Minaj (or however you spell her name) and then asked me after her second song, “isn’t she the truth” I quickly responded, “hell fuckin no!!”. It wasn’t until I took control of the music and put on EPMD, Outkast and Goodie Mob, that I could actually stand listening to music. People who know me well know that I LOVE music and that I avidly traverse various genres and in my honest opinion, Hip Hop these days is just not where it’s at.

So last night I went to a club in downtown Houston to celebrate a friend’s birthday. He rented a stretch Hummer and rented out the VIP section at the club. As we pulled up in front of the club, I noticed some women standing outside in line who started pointing at the limo. (there were 4 of them).  Then they came closer and actually walked right up to the windows and tried to see who was inside. From the inside looking out I was surprised but what surprised me even more were the events that took place inside the club. My friend invited plenty of his friends and associates and before I knew it I was in the VIP section partying next to Jazzy Pha, Drumma Boy, Carl Thomas, Slim Thug, Bun B, some Texans Football players and their entourages. It was cool, they were all nice and we were having a good time, but low and behold the same women that attempted to scope us out in the limo were trying to get next to these celebrities in the VIP section of the club.

We were surrounded by about 5 security guards who were monitoring the VIP section and denied the ladies admission into the area about 4 times. I guess after they realized they would not get in, they decided to turn around and start dancing ( shaking and bouncing their asses) in front of the music celebrities  and the football players. After about 15 minutes of grinding on one another, pulling their dresses up to show their naked asses, shaking and bouncing, the football players let them in. What occurred next was the most ridiculous display of mid-level prostitution I’ve ever witnessed with my own eyes. They ended up in the corner straddling the players, giving them lap dances, dancing on the tables and couches and kissing and rubbing on each other. Two of the guys took pictures of them, and at the end of the night, when we left to get in our limo, they got into the limo parked next to ours with the players. I noticed that the musicians did not pay them much attention (some of them actually had women who they brought in with them) but for the Texan’s players ( who will remain anonymous) I was repulsed. The entire scene was so sad I stopped enjoying myself. Never in my life have I ever experienced groupies or boppers up close and live in action. It saddened me because I wondered if this is why I have had bad experiences with what I feel is disrespect from men in clubs? Also, I wonder why these women wanted to put themselves out like that? Some other people who were in VIP with us, including my friends just shook their heads, laughed and brushed it off but I have been thinking about it every since. It sends a bad message to Black men about Black women (although I know it is not just Black people who behave this way) and it is embarrassing to me as a Black Woman to have to watch shit like this go down.

A few questions for thought: what do you think about this? Did the women get what they deserved (with whatever went down in the limo)? Should I not feel sorry for them because they put themselves out there? Were the football players wrong to even entertain them when I’m sure they have no real interest in them? What does this situation say about the relationships and mutual respect among Black men and women? What does this say about the women and how they feel about themselves? Let me know what you think!

Is it wrong for a woman to just want some good ole physical satisfaction? No hugging, only a little kissing, caressing is ok, but no whispering in the ear, biting no licking, put it in deep and pull it out slow, let’s not converse or cuddle, it’s ok to get up and go,  physical satisfaction. Is it wrong?

So about a week ago I was pulled over by two local police officers for “making a wide right turn”. The interesting thing about the situation is that they did not tell me that was the reason I was pulled over until after they searched my car and questioned me and my passenger. I was given a warning and asked if I had any questions. When I told the officer standing on my side of the car yes, and asked him if what they did was standard procedure (meaning having both cops come to the car, grabbing their gun holsters, asking me and my friend 20 questions that had nothing to do with anything, and searching my car) he looked at me and said, “yeah” and walked off. Oh how I enjoy being Black in America!

I fell in love with a man that I was never in an actual relationship with. For about 2 years or so we were friends,lovers, fuck buddies, and confidants. I made an emotional investment with a man who never made the same investment with me. I am usually a person of logic. The other night I talked about this with a friend and he told me that he admired me because I have the gift of ” logical discernment”. He said that my decisions and behaviors are guided by a slow and methodical thought process which allows me to analyze and synthesize information, to separate good from bad, right from wrong, harm from safety, and mistrust from those I should trust; he said I don’t judge others but make my decisions about how to deal with others based on my own thoughts about myself, and my perceptions and I act based on thought and not feelings and emotions.  It struck me as odd because I immediately wondered how in the hell this could be true if I allowed myself to invest my emotions into a “relationship” that wasn’t reciprocated?

He told me more than once he wasn’t ready for a relationship and yet I was shocked just the other day when he told me that he was now in one. It wasn’t him and his own issues that was holding us back, it was me. He simply didn’t want to be with me, but because things had not worked out with the person he wanted to be with, I was the interim, the relationship he could benefit from without the official title. He had all the cake he wanted and ate it, and I can’t be mad because I allowed it to happen. I invested in a stock with no potential of maturity. All logical, reasoning, realism went out the window and I opened up to him and shared with him in a way in which I had never done with anyone else. In past relationships all emotional investments had ceased on my part before the relationship ended, this time I was caught completely off guard. So now I am left wondering where that leaves me now? When will I get over this? Will I ever be able to invest all of myself into any type of relationship again? For someone who has a “gift” I feel real fucking cursed right now….

So after years of back and forth and in between, I forgive you and put up with your bullshit a little more, you have the nerve to think you’re doing me a fuckin favor by allowing me to “do me” for a while…. WTF?

First of all, no one allows me to do a damn thing. Despite the 6 years you have on me, I’ve been grown much longer than you have. You simple bastard, you’re allowing me to do me, I’ve been doing that shit and lovin it for over 2 years now, and I must say I wouldn’t turn back for you or anyone else. NEVER can I remember being as happy as I am right now. I may not have it all together, but I’m getting it together and you know it, and that’s why you want to come back.

See the thing is, you became so accustomed to having me in a particular place where you wanted me, you forgot or just didn’t think that one day I might not be there anymore. YO BAD NIGGA! I wasn’t your woman last year or the year before that, last month, last week, today, tomorrow or EVER again. I don’t care how much you claim to have changed, change is not in you son!

You wish you had it as good as I do, but you don’t. I bet your getting real pissed off reading this right now LOL fuckin internet stalker. You creep on me like you have nothing else better to do in life but follow my every move, email, text, phone call etc. but understand this… we will not have a fatal attraction epi this time my friend. I ain’t runnin and I ain’t hiding either, you want me come and try to get me but be sure to kiss your sweet girls and fam goodbye because I got something for that ass this time!

If you were the last available man on the planet,  I would be single until the day I die before I would give your ego driven, arrogant ass another inkling of a chance. You wish you could taste this sweetness again but guess what?…you can’t.

The audacity of niggas these days to think that they just have it like that. Maybe with Baby momma 1 & 2, but never with MELLOWDEE Bitch!

sigh….I digress.

When Madonna wore a pointed bra on stage, people were shocked but she remained one of the most highly praised female performers. When Janet Jackson accidentally showed her breast during the super bowl halftime show, it took an apology and almost an entire year for her to live it down. Woman in various roles whether entertainers or political figures, the way that society expects them to act, look, speak and behave is usually what they go by. FINALLY, we have a woman beside the man in the White House, our wonderful first lady Mrs. Obama who is “doing her” and wearing what she wants to wear. Michelle has a great body including a tall frame with long toned legs and arms, and I say if you want to show them off, then show them off.

Since when is it a crime to wear shorts (which are not even short) on a family outing in 106 degree weather? what the fuck? leave her alone and let he wear the damn shorts idiots!

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Simplicity is supposed to be the key to living a great life, if this is the case then why do people continually say that “men are simple” as if it is a bad thing. The connotation to me seems to be the exact opposite. I would love to have a simpler life. In everything that I do, I analyze, analyze, and over-analyze things. I would love to just make an easy decision and not second guess myself. I would love to not be caught up in drama and over reacting to simple situations. Steve Harvey discusses the “simplicity” of men in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, and although I do think the book was interesting and there was plenty of truth, he uses the first chapter to explain how “simple” men are and by the end of the chapter I felt that he actually proved the opposite. If what he said was true, then men really are not simple at all. They have alot of things to worry about and do just like women. If anything, the societal pressure alone is enough to make the everyday lives of men far more complicated than that of women. People are not simple, simply put. We all have issues, problems, worries, hopes, dreams, fears, and idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. There may be some things that some people handle differently than others, and they can be seen as simple, but that is something that can be true of anyone. Men are no more simple than women.