Hermind

I’m really not sure why it took me so long to realize this. If I really sat and thought about it I am sure that someone, at some point in time along the way has tried to tell me, but I guess it’s one of those situations where if you are not ready to truly receive the information, then regardless of what someone tells you, you just don’t get it. Well I got it!! I tend to be a little late sometimes (perhaps because I am an analyzer) or perhaps I was just standing in the way of my own truth. Either way, it is never to late to start over, so here goes.

I am beyond tired of being used by others, especially those who call themselves my friends. I can take other people that I know don’t give a shit about me attempting to use me, but for those who are close to my heart (and that is very few people) that shit just down right sucks.

When no one else was there, I was. When I listened every single time you needed someone; I didn’t just hear you, I listened. I made sacrifices within my own life to help you more times than you truly know, and yet when it is all said and done (because now it is) I end up stuck out and you just move on.

I know there is no need to continue to put myself through this pain, and I know there is no need to continue to speak on the past (because when I wake up again, this will be the past) so I have just decided to move on and leave you all behind.

I can no longer live my life for others; this statement I have made many times, but this time it is different…because this time it is true. If you think I have disappointed you lately because I finally learned how to say “No” or “I can’t help you” or “I’m busy” or I just didn’t even offer like I always did, then now you know why, and you may surely be more disappointed in the future.

But I cannot worry about you or that, for the first time in a LONG LONG time, I will worry about me. What makes me happy, what’s best for me. The biggest disappointment that matters to me right now, is not yours, it is mine. It is the disappointment I have in myself! Thank God I have a chance to turn it around!

Good Bye

During the summer part of my job is to help freshmen students register for their first semester of classes during freshmen orientation. We have a 2 hour window of time in which students come in to the computer lab and register. All was going well today with registration (since students have mapped out way in advance what classes they want to take and are just ready to enter them into the computer), but something a little different happened today….It was about 10 minutes until it was time for registration to end and in comes a group (6) football players (all Black) who were there to register.

Well, me and another co-worker and one advisor decided to stay and help these students register while everyone else shut down and left. We expected to possibly run over the cut off time by a little but since it would take a few minutes to log them into the system, register, check their schedules and print them. What we did not expect however was to be there over an hour past time.

So this is what happened….they were not sure which sections of the classes they wanted to take, meaning they had not looked up specific classes online ahead of time. When we asked why, we were told that there coaches said not to worry it could be figured out today. One of them had a piece of paper that had some courses (Music 105, Nutrition 101, etc) written down on it. He stated that all of them needed to be in the same classes and this list was what they could choose from.

I looked at the list and noticed that all of the courses on it were bull shit! As listed above Music 105 (which is music appreciation), and Nutrition 101 were on the list, in addition there was an intro to health class, a kinesiology class which when I looked it up was yoga, a student learning lab (which might be helpful for freshmen) and they informed me that they were already enrolled in a theater class for the summer and may take another one in the fall! Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of music , kines, health and theater majors, but taking all of the beginning classes which would probably only count as electives for them would help them how? So….basically none of them were going to take any core classes (required by the State)such as: english, math, political science, history, you know the basics?

They still didn’t know which days or times they could take the classes so they called their coach to come in and help. They told me he just dropped them off and left them with no instructions or direction as to what to do. I hoped, even wished that when the door opened a white man (who probably wouldn’t give two shits) would come in, but to my dismay and surprise their coach was Black.  He proceeded to tell me which professor’s they needed to take for these classes (which he was adamant about) and my co-workers and I had to look up these classes to get them registered. What I noticed looking on the system was that at least 4 of them had not passed the accuplacer exam (state mandated placement test for college students ) in all of the subject areas which would allow them to register for classes such as Math, History, English etc.

When it was all said and done, and they had a schedule (with only 12 hours each, although the school sets mandated tuition based on 15 hours, and one of their classes is Football!) and they were leaving I couldn’t help but feel sad. I will not name the institution where I work and obtained my master’s degree (Big 12, cultish, maroon & white), but I will say that there are not many Black students (especially males) and many that are happen to be athletes. What exactly was the purpose of recruiting them here if not to gain an education?

What was even more sad is when they left, the coach thanked me, the boys were standing in a corner hovered over some white girls exchanging phone numbers and smiles, and they just left like everything was alright. Well IT ISN”T!!! When I mentioned to one of my co-worker’s that I felt this was a sad situation and that it was unfair that these colleges continue to use athletes not really giving a damn about whether or not they get a college education, he looked at me, laughed and said, “but Devan, do you ever stop to think that maybe they’re using the schools?” he went on to explain that he felt like the reason why these 6 young men and many others didn’t have the classes they wanted picked out, were unsure of their majors, and seemed unfazed by the lack of academic rigor they would soon encounter is because they don’t really care about college. They are “using” their scholarships and experience here as a stepping stone to move up and on to the NFL. Most of them believe they will go pro and are only here to play and be recruited up.

I must say that in all of the time I have been studying and working in higher education, this never crossed my mind. What’s worse is that I am getting ready to move to another state and attend and work at another institution that has a reputation for sports (especially football) and it will most likely be the same. My thought is, it doesn’t matter what brings these students (because I see them as students first, athletes second) to college, what should matter once they get here is educating them. Most not all but most of them will never make it to the NFL or any other league (and if we’re talking about all sports, then the Olympics, NBA, etc), so why not open their eyes to the possibility of something else. Why not help them explore other things they may be good at and find field of study that could at least be a backup plan for those who don’t go pro, and something to do after they retire for those who do.

Studying the NCAA (which I think is completely corrupt), and seeing what goes on at this type of institution, has really left a sour taste in my mouth about athletics, knowing how much coaches are making, how few college athletes actually go pro and/or obtain degrees, and how few dollars go towards other programs such as academic affairs! (Yes people, just because a school’s athletic program brings in a revenue of 25 million dollars doesn’t mean that the rest of the institution will benefit!), so cut backs in academics and student services continue to be made, and money continues to go to coaches and recruiters to spend on scholarships and other marketing to bring in athletes who may or may not get a degree and in the end it seems that people just don’t care. So again I who’s is being used?

and one last thing, almost everyone else who was there had a least one parent or guardian in attendance, and these young men only had their coach? hmmm?

I could pretend that I am tough as nails.
But your hammer would release me;
And as I was ripped from the wall-
Where I once supported the frames which encompassed your treasured memories,
You could unconsciously step back and allow me to fall to the ground,
So that my rusty exterior-
Would never again stain your hand.

You would pick me up carefully with your left hand (the non-dominant one),
Observe my new worn color,
How what was once so clean and shiny-
So straight and as close to perfection as you’ve ever held in your possession,
Is now bent out of shape, rusty and without -
The fortitude to withstand -
The penetration caused by your aggressively gentle pounding.

You hold me now between the tips of your fingers-
Instead of the palm of your hand.
You turn me around-
Close your eyes and revisit our experiences ,
The way that I once fit so perfectly-
Every position and place you used me-
When you needed me, I was always there.
Every time you moved-
Wanted to change my place or position,
Or simply redecorate-
You gently pulled me out,
placed me neatly into your toolbox,
and brought me back out- to life when it was our time together again.

But like most things, time moves along,
Allows us to see things differently,
Change our minds-
Close and reopens our hearts-
Changes our style-
Or gives us the opportunity to “redecorate”,
And this is where we are now.

So you smile as you think about our journey together,
And smile again as you think about your new frames,
And recent memories-
And how I will no longer quite sustain the places where you will need me to be.
So you drop me on the table,
While you pick up your shiny new nail,
placing it in the palm of your right hand (your dominate hand)-
And then you place it where you want it,
And hang the frame-
Which now holds OUR memories.
You center it perfectly,
Smile as you think about your future with it.
And all the while you do not notice me,
Looking up at you-
And thinking of how that was once my job-
To hold your frames; to keep the memories fresh and alive.
How I was once that shiny new nail,
The one you were careful, gentle, protective and kind to,
The one you loved so much-
You carried it with you always, even if only in thought.
The one that had its own special section in your toolbox.

And now that you are done with me,
This time-
Instead of putting me away carefully until you will need or desire me again,
You throw me away in your trashcan,
Like others before me-
And you walk away never looking back, not even seeing me fall.

And I try to pretend that I am tough as nails,
And that even though your hammer has released me forever,
I can withstand my new place, this new position I am in,
Until someone else comes along-
Sees the beauty through my rusty, bent, used form-
But loves, needs, supports, and desires to use me forever.

Over the last two years I have had some experiences regarding racism that have truly educated me, opened my eyes to some realities that never existed for me before, and shaped my values and the way I view the world and my place in it. All in all, I have truly changed. Before I moved to this po-dunk place, I didn’t have to think about being Black, and a Woman, but mostly what it means to be a Black Woman as much as I have in the past two years. Now it seems like I see, hear, or experience something on a daily basis that requires me to evaluate myself and think about race and racism. So now I wonder if other Black Women, or Black people in general have faced the same challenges, issues, and reflect on them as much as I have. I wonder if this has moved me into the “in” group (for once in my life) or am I still an outsider because others have dealt with this before I did, and I am just now catching up? And now as I write this, it further makes me wonder why I have even evaluated the situation in this way, as if it is some sort of race.

When you become accustomed to sharing yourself with someone, it is difficult to bring that to a halt. Today I realized that cutting off communication with a very good friend of mine, and someone whom I love very deeply is not going to be easy AT ALL. I can recount at least 4 experiences which have occurred in the last two days that I normally would have never thought twice about picking up the phone and sending him a text, email or calling to share. Now, I cannot do that and it makes me feel even more lonely than I already do. I know that I have some things to work on and figure out within myself, and the time apart from him (and others) will do me some good. But right now it hurts because I am truly missing him.

Why do people hate Kobe Bryant so much? Is he really an asshole, or just misunderstood?

So miss alicia keys is pregnant and now engaged to swizz beatz. All over the gossip mill, and tabloids are photos of her singing praises for her new found love, engagement and entrance into motherhood. But let’s take a short trip down memory lane shall we. So she is now engaged to swizz which is cool, but this engagement seems to have come quickly after his divorce from now ex-wife. But… Alicia is said to be a couple of months pregnant and it has been rumored for a couple of years now that she and Swizz were dating even though he was still married. Now I am not one to judge but….I can’t help but wonder…is she a home wrecker?

So how much shit should one take from a Bitch before you bust her in the face? I have been holding back the frustration and trying to play it cool for too long. Today is my last opportunity; it’s now or never, and usually I am not one for never!

Yesterday I spoke out about being a cancer survivor. This was the first time I had ever spoke out on my experiences before. There was a local Relay For Life and I volunteered to speak out at the closing rally before the last part of the marathon. It was an emotional experience, but a good one. As I looked out into the crowd and saw the people who lost friends and family members, were there in support of sick or surviving family members and friends, and those who were just down for the cause, I realized for the first time that this is something that is much bigger than me. I am a part of something much bigger than myself; I think I spent so much time reflecting and not really opening up about my experiences and the battle that I didn’t realize how speaking out could help others. After it was over and I stayed around to mingle, I met so many people who came up to me and just said Thank You. This was truly the most difficult struggle I have ever had in my life; it changed me physically and mentally. There were times when I wanted to just try and forget it, but that is impossible. Some of the effects of having cancer will always be with me regardless of if I remain in remission or not, but I now know that listening to others and speaking out about it can help me to put things into perspective, help others, grow and move on.

Today while at the mall, a white lady pulled me aside in a store and asked for my opinion on some clothes for a little boy. She was an older lady (at least 60) ; she told me that she was buying a gift for a little boy that she knew. She had picked out some jeans for that looked like they were for a young boy no older than age 6. I told her they would probably be nice and he would like them and then she leaned in closer to me and whispered, ” do you really think he will like them in this style; he is a Black boy?” I looked at her for a second, then smiled and replied “yes I think any boy would like these”. Then she asked me to help her pick a shirt to go with them, and I helped her pick out a nice simple Blue Polo. Even though she whispered her comment very low, what she said seemed to come across really loud in my mind. It is situations like this that make me wonder if people “mean any harm” when they make comments like this. Does it make that much of a difference if he is Black, White or purple? Most kids that young do not pick out there own clothes anyway. Were their any underlying implications to what she was saying, or was she just a harmless old white lady trying to extend a nice gesture to a little boy? When it was all over, she thanked me, smiled and said “I just love that little boy; I will take these to him today and maybe his mom will let him wear them to school soon.”